21st January 2014

It was a beautiful morning, the day you weren't born.
The fog sat heavy, not wanting to let the day in and make me have to let you go.

In the close echo of walking through a cloud, I looked for you that morning
     In the ripples of the river
     In the movement of the leaves
     In the child who ran ahead
          and disappeared around a corner.

I listened louder for you that day
     To the sound of branches aching
     To the songs the birds were singing
          For clues.
And I tried to hear all you had come to teach me.

I felt the sharp air on my face
     For us both
I sunk my hand into soil
     For us both
I wished your Daddy peace
     For us both.

Your Daddy was a warrior.
And you would've been a peace maker.

I spread my fingers wide across my belly
And stared into the mirror
Desperately searching for the answer
of what I could have done differently
to make you feel safe.

Your mother stands tall
     Trying to be the love she wishes for you
     Trying to taste the life you did not breathe.
A lighthouse here.
     In case you ever want to come home.

It is so hard to say goodbye
Before I was allowed a hello.