Who are you when no one is watching?
This year, grief ripped me away from myself.
And even in the most bleak moments, I knew it was love which will bring me home.
But I was not ready for a new home.
Not yet. Not yet.
I did not want to release my grip on the emotions digesting me because with them there is still a link.
And it is a length that fades with time.
And I did not want time.
I wanted to smash the clocks. To hold my breath. To hit the brakes.
To scream the night sky. I'm not ready for the rest of forever.
Not yet.
Not like this.
I did not want to accept it.
Because then it would be true.
I knew that I had a long road ahead of me.
One paved with truth.
Yet I only had the energy to fall between the cracks.
This year, I allowed myself to dig down into denial.
Because it was the only tool I had left.
To protect me from the forever that I couldn't yet face.
By allowing myself to tend to myself the only way I knew how. I prepared some fertile ground for new seeds to be planted.
But maybe not yet.
Not just yet.
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