Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 104
I think most of us have faced a situation where we're going through something or other and we find ourselves thinking, "Oh no, maybe I'm talking too much..." And this podcast, hopefully, is just to pose some questions that you can have a little ponder for yourself and try and work out how you can make your choices without having a go at yourself, being so hard on yourself, or second guessing yourself mid-sentence and trailing off and leaving people that you're talking do feeling a bit confused.
I think that question of how much we tell people, especially when times are hard and especially when there may be people who you're unfamiliar with, or you're meeting new people, how much to share with them, can feel like a very make or break choice. You can feel like there's no way back from it if we don't do the right thing.
And some of the reasons that I think it becomes so high stakes is because one of the the main questions that we're asking ourselves about people is, can I trust you? Can I trust you to hold this very precious and tender thing for me right now? Can I trust you not to react in a way which is going to add to the suffering?
And I think it's a really valid question. Can you trust the people that you're talking to? Not everybody needs to know all of the things about you, but I think there is a very subtle shift that can come from this. Can I trust you? That the reflection of that that we can quite often bring to ourselves is "What are they going to think of me? What are they going to think of me if I tell them this stuff?" And when we focus on other people's judgment of us, what we're basically telling ourselves in a very stripped-down form is, I might be rejected here. And what does your nervous system receive from that of "Will I be rejected?" Is "this is dangerous."
So suddenly, you have something that you're thinking about, maybe disclosing to people, or you're talking about your life, or talking about things that are very personal to you. And very quickly we've arrowed in on this very vulnerable place, which is people may reject me.
And when we're thinking that, of course, the stakes are going to feel very high. And I think it is very important to show a certain amount of discerning character assessments when you're telling your stuff to people, especially if it's stuff that you don't want told to other people, or if you don't want to be discussed and if you feel like you're not available for any possible responses that they might come up with. And if you're going to be talking about your stuff, people can come up with all kinds of responses. If you're not available for any of the possibilities. Perhaps having some background information on who this person is how they might respond to stuff and how they've responded to stuff in the past might be very good to bring into this conversation.
But I think the most important thing, and the most important thing is so often overlooked, is how can I treat myself with kindness? How would I want to to respond to myself if this person gives me a reaction that I don't like, if this person says something that I don't like, if this person does reject me for whatever it is that I'm about to say or about to disclose?
When we seek approval of the things that we are talking to other people about from them, we've lost any sense of balance, agency and power in the situation. And actually when we can learn ways to make sure that no matter what this person says about that thing, it's not going to unsure-foot me. I'm not going to be knocked off the centre of balance as to who I want to be in this situation, how I want to feel about this thing, how I want to be speaking to myself if they say something that doesn't align with where I want to be right now or doesn't align with my values.
This sounds all very theoretical. So something that we could look at is perhaps you have a tricky situation at work and you have someone who is not being very kind in a work situation. Basically they're being a bit of a dick in the office, but it's someone that you like and you don't wish ill for and you certainly don't want the thing that you're saying to get back to them. Firstly, obviously, check around you to see if it's someone that you trust. If you need to be talking to someone about this, check that it's someone you don't think is going to relay all of the stuff back to the person immediately. But if you feel like you need to air it out a bit and try and work out some of your own feelings verbally, then knowing that you're going to say this.
Quite often I find a reaction from people is that they go to immediately slander the other party rather than hearing where you're at or rather than listening to the thing that you're actually saying. What they immediately go into is to attack someone else, thinking it is in defense of you. And that what I often find in this situation is you then end up feeling like you need to defend the person who, frankly, you just wanted to bitch about. Maybe it isn't just to bitch about, but you certainly wanted to talk about how tricky things have been, and now you found yourself in a situation where you want to defend them. So in this scenario, if someone says, you know, like, "Oh, they're such a terrible person", and instead of, rather than jumping to, "oh, no, actually, here's all these nice things about them," is there a way that you can still hold your ground and still re-centre the conversation on what you wanted to say? So, "oh, that isn't how I receive it. What's really useful for me right now is just to work out this problem..." or to talk about how this particular instance has impacted me or, "yeah, no, I don't find it particularly useful to say horrible things about people. What I'm feeling is this..", how can you keep bringing it back to what you need out of this scenario rather than them saying horrible things about another person?
When you have an idea of what you want from a dynamic, it's a lot easier to keep reorientating yourself back to the chosen outcome of an interaction rather than getting lost in its dynamics. And by that, I mean you don't get lost in a thread spiral of being unkind about somebody else. But what you can certainly do is think. When I. When I'm talking about this, what is it I'm actually seeking. Oh, I'm seeking to clarify some of my thoughts on it because it feels really complicated and a bit unpleasant for me. So what I would like to do is just to have chance to speak about this. Or what I would like to do is to be able to unravel some of the conversations that went on between us to work out if there was any miscommunication there or if there was anything that could have been misunderstood. Or perhaps it's when I'm talking about this, I just want to feel like I have a way of speaking about this without sounding confused.
When you know what you want out of an interaction, it's easier to stop going down side routes about people's character flaws, or your own character flaws. Should someone be there pointing fingers at you that you're to blame for the whole thing. Knowing why I want to speak about something helps me not get lost in other people's gossip. It doesn't mean that my life stuff turns into gossip. I'm very intentional about how I want conversations to play out because I have a clear idea in mind as to why I'm speaking on something.
Of course, it can be really hard to orientate yourself in this kind of stuff when stuff feels very emotional. And that's why, hopefully, you have your nearest and dearest to keep you on track and make sure that you're not just mouthing off about stuff left, right and center to anyone who will listen. Because anyone who listen, is probably anyone who will talk.
So this is a very sort of surface-level overview as to how I conduct myself when I have big stuff going on in my life and who I talk to and how I talk to people about it and how I can tell a lot of personal stuff online and be quite exposing about a lot of the things that happen in my life and feel like I'm also a very private person and like, I don't give it all away and like, people don't have. Have access to things that I don't want them to. And this happens in social situations as well.
So I hope that that is useful to you in some way. If you ever come across a situation where you are like, I really want to talk to someone, but I don't know where this is going to go. How much should I tell people; if you're someone who thinks that maybe, maybe, possibly I'm talking too much and stopped yourself in that mid-sentence kind of place, as long as you know that you're going to have your own back, that actually there is no way of you putting yourself in a position that is going to mean that someone else has all of the control in the dynamic and you end up feeling worse for wear.
I hope that this little ramble has been useful this week. It feels like we went all over the houses, but sometimes, talking this through can really give us a little bit of clarity.
I look forward to speaking to you next week.
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