Spam Filter For Your Brain - Episode 106
When I first started coaching, one of the first bits of information that broke my brain that I was learning was that when you take control of your own thoughts, you stop waiting for other people to change.
And I, like many of us, had spent an entire lifetime trying to ensure that if my actions were nice enough, I could control how other people thought about me and how others felt about me. And I thought, therefore, how they would act and interact with me.
And it never worked. It's really surprising that, isn't it? But I think most of us try it. I think most of us are brought up believing that if we do all of the nice things for all of the people, we will be liked, and therefore, we will be safe.
And there was a whole load of me that did not want to acknowledge that I was trying to manipulate other people's behaviour so that I could feel better or trying to control what they were allowed to do so I could feel okay about myself. And when I realised that I could actually decide what I want to think and feel about stuff, irrespective of people's other people's actions and behaviour, I could get a lot more control over my own life. And I was able to stop hanging around waiting for other people to change.
I can think of a thousand different examples of where I was hoping that someone would stop doing what they were doing so that I could feel okay about myself and that I could feel okay about them. And actually, I don't always want to feel okay about myself or about them. What I want to do is to be able to assess whether the situation that is going on around me in very real terms, is something that I want in my life or not. So it's more about boundaries rather than me trying to control what other people do or what they don't do.
So, for example, I've got someone at the moment who's being horrible to someone I love. And old me would have thought, "okay, I really want you to stop doing that so I can think nice things about you and my friend can stop being hurt by this thing. And then I don't have to think that anybody is a bad person in this and everyone can feel nice and happy", but the truth is that they are doing that thing. And me wishing and hoping they would not do it simply wastes energy on something that can never be. Me wishing it into existence doesn't actually make it so.
What I can do is look at the fact that they are doing this thing and know that they are; how do I want to show up for myself and for my friend and maybe to them as well, knowing that this is the case? If, for example, I don't have to welcome that person into my life, I don't choose to. It means that I have more energy to support my friend rather than go he shouldn't. And sitting there bitching about all the things that, you know, he's done so terribly wrong. And it also means that I'm not wasting time going, "I wish he wouldn't do that so I can feel nice about things". I can go, actually, he is doing that thing. And I actually am completely comfortable with feeling like I don't want that kind of behaviour in my life. That isn't someone that I choose to hold close at this moment.
And when I can see it with that kind of clarity, it stops being. I need them to stop doing that thing so I can feel better. And I have a view that I think is a lot more in line with my politics of actually this isn't something that I approve of and therefore that isn't something that I want in my life. So I'm not trying to control them to not do it because, frankly, they're going to do it whether I approve of it or not. It becomes who do I want to be in this situation? And it is actually; it's someone who doesn't want to condone or entertain that kind of behaviour in my life. And ironically, by allowing them to behave in what I think is an unacceptable way, it frees me to have more of what I want in my life, which is more respect for my own space, my own boundaries, and what I choose to have.
When I'm trying to waste my time thinking about what he should or shouldn't be doing, I don't have as much time for me. I don't have enough time, as much time to look after my myself. And I certainly don't have as much time to support my friends. I don't want to be wasting my time trying to control what other people can and can't do as fully grown adults. What I want to be doing is working out how I respond to it and how the things that I choose to have in my life and the things that I choose to respond to.
When I stop giving all of my power away to other people, hoping that they're going to behave in a particular way so that I can feel alright about myself, there's just a lot more of me to go around to be able to create more of the kind of loving, kind, compassionate world that I want to see, rather than telling everyone else what they should and shouldn't be doing that as a brain breaking idea has served me very well so far, and I hope that it's useful for some of you. See you next week.
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