I could write about how I am teaching a whole course on how to ask for what you want.
But I wanted to pause for a moment and think about why we don't ask.
Often we believe that if we ask for anything for ourselves, we become less loveable. Now you might not think that outright, but these thoughts are sneaky.
Think about times you have worried about being an inconvenience, or about not being a bother, or telling people not to worry (when that means that you have to worry). These phrases are woven into the fabric of most of us so early we think they are character traits.
But this stuff was taught to us.
We are taught to believe that if we make ourselves as small and unburdensome as possible, there is a chance we can sneak ourselves into a place at the table. Or, more often, this message comes disguised as “don't be too needy”, “don't seem too keen”, or heaven forbid “, don't be selfish”.
We have been force-fed this stuff. We have often merged the idea of having needs with “being needy”. That asking for something from someone else makes us a problem and that we probably should just get on with it ourselves.
These messages come from all sorts of places, from society to family, to adverts, to religion and a thousand other personal stings.
And they reinforce the message that we can cause other people to love us more or less, and our inherent loveability is based on how much other people tolerate or acquiesce to our demands. But your value and worth are intrinsic. We are all worthy of love, care and respect. And we all have needs - I think we forget that.
And study after study has shown how humans are social animals. We thrive and survive in communities - and why is this? Because we are reliant on each other.
All of which ignores how incredible it can feel to do something for someone you love. We all know that doing something for someone we care about often gives us greater joy than it gives them.
And why would you want to take that chance away from the people who love you?
This stuff is tricky because we've been steeped in it our whole lives. But it does not have to be this way.
My new course to untangle some of this stuff begins on Monday, and I would be delighted if you'd join us.
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ASK FOR WHAT YOU WANT (without feeling guilty)
the course begins on 1st August.
✨Want some of this? Sign up here:✨
www.selfcareschool.co.uk/p/communication
The course runs accessible pricing:
Pay what you can, and free if you need it
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